* Edit: I have debated taking this down, but I'm going to leave it here for now. Things were very very difficult for me for several months. On the outside I was nice (I'm always nice), but I was stressed 24/7, my safety was threatened by the thoughtlessness of several different people (all unrelated!) and I was angry. I was angry all the time.

I go to bed angry. I wake up angry. I calm down a tiny bit. Then various people interfere with my temporary peace, and I get more angry, again. By the time I go to bed I may feel the slightest bit better, or the cumulative effect could make me feel worse. Either way, I go to bed angry.

I've been like this for a while and I don't see an end. I wondered if it might be "me" and not "them." I got my hormones checked. They came back normal. "Are you under any stress?" the Doctors asked. "Yes" I answered. "Everyone is causing me stress! That's why I'm angry at them!" - Duh! ;)

I'd hoped hormones could be blamed for some of it. They can't. It's "them" and I'm not doing well with any of "them" right now. And I'm about to leave to take care of another one of "their" lives for a few weeks to try to get things in place for them to be more ok on their own so I can return to less contact, or at least a more comfortable level of contact for me.

I don't want to go. I don't want to do anything. I want everybody to be able to take care of themselves. I hate everybody. "Oh you don't really hate them" would not be accurate. I do. It's not love that I feel. It's pity. Responsibility. "Moral rightness." "Shoulds." It makes me sad.

People don't change. But some get more manipulative. Some more vulnerable. Some more manipulative and more vulnerable. I don't know what to do with that. It's easier on my mind to help than to pretend I don't see. But it's not easy. I would be all right if these people never contacted me again - if they were ok. I don't want them lying in a street somewhere or being abused in some facility. I don't (usually) wish them ill. I wish them independence and in another world. No contact. No photos. No accidental meetings or 2nd or 3rd hand information from others. Living in a nice little house on a hill, with a white picket fence, in a bubble that doesn't go near my world. I want that.

I don't experience joy from anyone in my life right now. I experience some gratitude. Some immense gratitude and thankfulness from random acts of kindness I sometimes get from others. Always noticed. But no joy. Only anger, and more anger. I am angry, all the time.


Tamera Brose said...

I love when someone tells me I need to eliminate the stress in my life. Who am I supposed to eliminate?

Noisy Quiet said...

Lol! Thank you Tamera. Yes, exactly. I almost wrote a post about that too. Sometimes, people need to be "phased out" of our lives - with good reason. Some can't be phased out.

I'm finding it difficult to talk about stuff that would be humorous regarding some of what's going on, but not humorous if the people I wrote about read it - so that goes into my "I can't write about this" pile :o| Nor can I vent much without going into details that would upset certain people if they ever read my blog.

"Anonymous" is never totally anonymous on the web. Just a little more Anon than not.

But hey, I can say I'm angry!! How general is that??! ;)

Stella said...

Ah crap, NQ. I hope by now things are on the improve and these people have magically moved to another city far, far away and you're getting lots of joy.

Sorry haven't been paying close attention, tres busy lately, not coz i don't love you or anything.
Stella x

Noisy Quiet said...

Actually, I'm now closer to them. An unexpected relative also surprised me with a visit and, while it's nice seeing them, now I'm nervous about going to bed because I'm worried they're going to rifle through my stuff.

Yup. No privacy.

Breathing... breathing... breathing...

Kelly said...

You are so describing my mother in the last years of her life. I wish I had some magic clue to give you to help you through it, but mainly I had to grit my teeth and bear it and just try to make decisions based on the sort of person I wanted to be. Thinking of you. (And have been - sorry for the disappearing act!)

Noisy Quiet said...

Thank you :)

I've been getting different issues from various people, and at least one is eldercare related. "grit my teeth and bear it and just try to make decisions based on the sort of person I wanted to be" - That's what I think I'm trying to do. I'm not a good person for this in many ways. But I am the only one who'll try to respect this person's wishes vs trying to take advantage of them in some way down the line. Frustrating.

Good to see you! I've been thinking about you! I'm not sure if you've blogged but it may take a couple of weeks for me to catch up on reading. My internet time is limited until I get home.

Masked Mom said...

Don't know the exact details, but anger and manipulation and vulnerabiity and responsibility and obligation make for a pretty toxic cocktail--of which I've sipped a few over the years. Wishing you peace or at least a calmer state of resignation in the near future.

Noisy Quiet said...

"Yes" to everything you said. Thank you. - A calmer state of resignation.... Very well put.

.... Now your "persona" has me thinking about superheroes and capes ;) A cape might not do me much good. I'd probably use it to fly away. Superpowers could be helpful at times. What I think might be most helpful of all, though, would be a "Justice League." High moral standards. Various resources, intelligence... resourcefulness... quick thinking...

I wonder how badly our images of superheroes would be damaged, if we heard them all sitting around one day, talking about their relatives. They all had them. Imagine that scene!

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