* Edit: I have debated taking this down, but I'm going to leave it here for now. Things were very very difficult for me for several months. On the outside I was nice (I'm always nice), but I was stressed 24/7, my safety was threatened by the thoughtlessness of several different people (all unrelated!) and I was angry. I was angry all the time.
I go to bed angry. I wake up angry. I calm down a tiny bit. Then various people interfere with my temporary peace, and I get more angry, again. By the time I go to bed I may feel the slightest bit better, or the cumulative effect could make me feel worse. Either way, I go to bed angry.
I've been like this for a while and I don't see an end. I wondered if it might be "me" and not "them." I got my hormones checked. They came back normal. "Are you under any stress?" the Doctors asked. "Yes" I answered. "Everyone is causing me stress! That's why I'm angry at them!" - Duh! ;)
I'd hoped hormones could be blamed for some of it. They can't. It's "them" and I'm not doing well with any of "them" right now. And I'm about to leave to take care of another one of "their" lives for a few weeks to try to get things in place for them to be more ok on their own so I can return to less contact, or at least a more comfortable level of contact for me.
I don't want to go. I don't want to do anything. I want everybody to be able to take care of themselves. I hate everybody. "Oh you don't really hate them" would not be accurate. I do. It's not love that I feel. It's pity. Responsibility. "Moral rightness." "Shoulds." It makes me sad.
People don't change. But some get more manipulative. Some more vulnerable. Some more manipulative and more vulnerable. I don't know what to do with that. It's easier on my mind to help than to pretend I don't see. But it's not easy. I would be all right if these people never contacted me again - if they were ok. I don't want them lying in a street somewhere or being abused in some facility. I don't (usually) wish them ill. I wish them independence and in another world. No contact. No photos. No accidental meetings or 2nd or 3rd hand information from others. Living in a nice little house on a hill, with a white picket fence, in a bubble that doesn't go near my world. I want that.
I don't experience joy from anyone in my life right now. I experience some gratitude. Some immense gratitude and thankfulness from random acts of kindness I sometimes get from others. Always noticed. But no joy. Only anger, and more anger. I am angry, all the time.