* Edit: I have debated taking this down, but I'm going to leave it here for now. Things were very very difficult for me for several months. On the outside I was nice (I'm always nice), but I was stressed 24/7, my safety was threatened by the thoughtlessness of several different people (all unrelated!) and I was angry. I was angry all the time.
I go to bed angry. I wake up angry. I calm down a tiny bit. Then various people interfere with my temporary peace, and I get more angry, again. By the time I go to bed I may feel the slightest bit better, or the cumulative effect could make me feel worse. Either way, I go to bed angry.
I've been like this for a while and I don't see an end. I wondered if it might be "me" and not "them." I got my hormones checked. They came back normal. "Are you under any stress?" the Doctors asked. "Yes" I answered. "Everyone is causing me stress! That's why I'm angry at them!" - Duh! ;)
I'd hoped hormones could be blamed for some of it. They can't. It's "them" and I'm not doing well with any of "them" right now. And I'm about to leave to take care of another one of "their" lives for a few weeks to try to get things in place for them to be more ok on their own so I can return to less contact, or at least a more comfortable level of contact for me.
I don't want to go. I don't want to do anything. I want everybody to be able to take care of themselves. I hate everybody. "Oh you don't really hate them" would not be accurate. I do. It's not love that I feel. It's pity. Responsibility. "Moral rightness." "Shoulds." It makes me sad.
People don't change. But some get more manipulative. Some more vulnerable. Some more manipulative and more vulnerable. I don't know what to do with that. It's easier on my mind to help than to pretend I don't see. But it's not easy. I would be all right if these people never contacted me again - if they were ok. I don't want them lying in a street somewhere or being abused in some facility. I don't (usually) wish them ill. I wish them independence and in another world. No contact. No photos. No accidental meetings or 2nd or 3rd hand information from others. Living in a nice little house on a hill, with a white picket fence, in a bubble that doesn't go near my world. I want that.
I don't experience joy from anyone in my life right now. I experience some gratitude. Some immense gratitude and thankfulness from random acts of kindness I sometimes get from others. Always noticed. But no joy. Only anger, and more anger. I am angry, all the time.
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frustration. Show all posts
I'm tired of no snow
I am. I like snow. I want snow. Almost every time it's snowed in the past few years, I've been out of town, watching on TV, cursing my luck to be anywhere else but smack dab in the middle of a blizzard. This year I've been home at the right times, and there's been NO SNOW. (- Ok, there was about 2 days of a little bit of snow when I was flat on my back with the flu. Even with the flu I considered going out, but my lungs had other plans!)
I'm giving up on snow. It's late. We're almost at mid February. I know there could be snow as late as March, but I'll be away again soon, and all extended forecasts show NO SNOW on the horizon. Maybe it'll come while I'm away. Maybe it'll snow when I get back. THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY!
I like my current "Snow" blog template, but given the circumstances it feels off. I'm not eager for spring or summer, or for winter to be over. But if winter isn't even coming, then the whole "snow" thing seems out of sync. Every time I come here I think "Snow? There IS NO SNOW! :P " I feel like a kid waiting in a snowsuit in 60 degree weather.
I think I may switch back to my default Pink template. -Because it's more neutral for me and less emotionally charged! I could pretend it's pink for Valentine's Day and maybe add a heart or two, but the real reason will be because it's not snowing, there's been no snow, it's not going to snow, and I'm moving on! :P
Edit: And done! Credits at the very bottom of the blog (where they always are.)
I'm giving up on snow. It's late. We're almost at mid February. I know there could be snow as late as March, but I'll be away again soon, and all extended forecasts show NO SNOW on the horizon. Maybe it'll come while I'm away. Maybe it'll snow when I get back. THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY!
I like my current "Snow" blog template, but given the circumstances it feels off. I'm not eager for spring or summer, or for winter to be over. But if winter isn't even coming, then the whole "snow" thing seems out of sync. Every time I come here I think "Snow? There IS NO SNOW! :P " I feel like a kid waiting in a snowsuit in 60 degree weather.
I think I may switch back to my default Pink template. -Because it's more neutral for me and less emotionally charged! I could pretend it's pink for Valentine's Day and maybe add a heart or two, but the real reason will be because it's not snowing, there's been no snow, it's not going to snow, and I'm moving on! :P
DO YOU HEAR THAT SNOW MISER?! I'm MOVING ON!
Baking "don't"
If you ever decide to make a pie out of a pumpkin sitting on your table, (because that's what you bought it for, and you haven't had time, but you're worried that if you don't use the pumpkin soon it might start to go bad.) and if you know you don't have any normal flour in the house, and you don't feel like running out to get normal flour or a pre-made crust, or bothering neighbors for those items, and if you're wondering if oat flour will work well enough for the crust... let me save you some time, aggravation, and oat flour. The answer is apparently no.
Of course it probably didn't help that I forgot to add a binder...
As soon as I mix up the rest of the pumpkin, it's going straight into ramekins as pudding!
Of course it probably didn't help that I forgot to add a binder...
As soon as I mix up the rest of the pumpkin, it's going straight into ramekins as pudding!
Exer-Psychic
Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes.
Some I like, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on.
Like this one:
(Unless you over do it and end up permanently crippled. Then you'll wish you'd stopped, smelled the flowers, and had a cookie.)
Silly question...
Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes.
Some I like, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on.
Like this one:
(What fits my busy schedule better?? - Being fat 24 hours a day! - Duh!)
Quick update
I'm undecided about NaBloPoMo-ing this year. I may post about that tomorrow. For now I'll follow up on my post from yesterday.
Life is busy. Loads to do, deadlines, holidays, visitors... I had a great time trick or treating with friends' kids (so cute!) and then returned home last night to find that the recent rains had damaged some of the walls in my apartment and the ceiling in a supply closet fell in. I'm hoping the damage to the closet's contents is minimal (It's not a clothing closet, but there are a few things that could have been ruined by water), but I'm not taking anything out of there until repair people arrive since removing items from the top shelf will bring more of the closet's ceiling down!
Aside from the obvious annoyance, this messes up any productivity for this week since I'll have to be home for repair people to come in and out to fix and paint things - that's if and when I'm told they're coming. I'm rarely blessed with information like when to expect work people in my building!
So... lots to do and likely very little of it will get done this week, but we'll see.
Normally I wouldn't post mundane stuff like this but, like I said, I'm ambivalent about NaBloPoMo this year, so until I'm just "valent" (vs ambivalent... get it? No? Ok.) this can count as post #2 for this month :)
Life is busy. Loads to do, deadlines, holidays, visitors... I had a great time trick or treating with friends' kids (so cute!) and then returned home last night to find that the recent rains had damaged some of the walls in my apartment and the ceiling in a supply closet fell in. I'm hoping the damage to the closet's contents is minimal (It's not a clothing closet, but there are a few things that could have been ruined by water), but I'm not taking anything out of there until repair people arrive since removing items from the top shelf will bring more of the closet's ceiling down!
Aside from the obvious annoyance, this messes up any productivity for this week since I'll have to be home for repair people to come in and out to fix and paint things - that's if and when I'm told they're coming. I'm rarely blessed with information like when to expect work people in my building!
So... lots to do and likely very little of it will get done this week, but we'll see.
Normally I wouldn't post mundane stuff like this but, like I said, I'm ambivalent about NaBloPoMo this year, so until I'm just "valent" (vs ambivalent... get it? No? Ok.) this can count as post #2 for this month :)
I'm sad
I'm not feeling very well and I have a lot to do, and you know how difficult that is (When you're not feeling well but still have to do stuff.)
Then I found a time wasting site that made me happy and was transporting my brain to a happier place, and that was starting to give me back some energy and motivation, such that I was telling myself "ok, one more page of the site, then stop and do this thing.... then you can do another page of that site, and then do the next thing on the list...." (This list which was so overwhelming today - because my brain is all out of it - that it's on little post its on the kitchen table which I keep re-arranging and re-grouping into do-able chunks.)
So I felt better, started to get going on some things... and then the site stopped working :( It's like it KNEW it was beginning to help my productiveness and it COULDN'T HAVE THAT!!
I logged out and back in, I cleared everything you can clear on a browser, and tried different browsers and it still won't work. So then I wrote a letter to tech support explaining my sadness and how I'd been happily enjoying their site and was not pleased that now I'd have to do the other things in my life that I was avoiding!
*Sigh*
I really am sad. It's like somebody took away my new toy while I was enjoying it, and its not fair!
(I'm a little over sensitive when I'm not feeling well! It doesn't take very much to "plink" my house of cards into falling down. Actually, a house of cards would probably be sturdier than mine.... Mine would be more like a house of wafers.)
Then I found a time wasting site that made me happy and was transporting my brain to a happier place, and that was starting to give me back some energy and motivation, such that I was telling myself "ok, one more page of the site, then stop and do this thing.... then you can do another page of that site, and then do the next thing on the list...." (This list which was so overwhelming today - because my brain is all out of it - that it's on little post its on the kitchen table which I keep re-arranging and re-grouping into do-able chunks.)
So I felt better, started to get going on some things... and then the site stopped working :( It's like it KNEW it was beginning to help my productiveness and it COULDN'T HAVE THAT!!
I logged out and back in, I cleared everything you can clear on a browser, and tried different browsers and it still won't work. So then I wrote a letter to tech support explaining my sadness and how I'd been happily enjoying their site and was not pleased that now I'd have to do the other things in my life that I was avoiding!
*Sigh*
I really am sad. It's like somebody took away my new toy while I was enjoying it, and its not fair!
(I'm a little over sensitive when I'm not feeling well! It doesn't take very much to "plink" my house of cards into falling down. Actually, a house of cards would probably be sturdier than mine.... Mine would be more like a house of wafers.)
Closet Physics
I've been going through some closets, cabinets, and storage boxes and getting rid of things. Some items have been moved around, combined, and re-consolidated, but I've also gotten rid of a lot of stuff. And yet... I don't seem to have more space...
I have so much to do
But all I want to do is write.
And watch space.
Except space is making me motion sick so that's not the best plan at the moment (They're doing space walks today. Pretty, but not something I'd be cut out for.)
I've just learned that the elevator in my building is out, so I won't be able to go outside in the three hundred degree heat to do laundry today.
Drat ;)
But that doesn't mean there aren't a bazillion other things I need to do.
And yet... all I want to do is write.
I've been working on a story for about a week or two and I keep wanting to return to it. Which is good as a diversion, but not good when there's other things to do.
Plus I'm nauseas and have a headache (- from "space.")
Got some good pictures though. :)
Please indulge me with the whole "space" thing for about a week. After that I'll probably be over it and stop posting about it. If not, I'll move those posts to a separate blog because this is not a space blog. ... but it might be "space week" here for a bit ;)
And watch space.
Except space is making me motion sick so that's not the best plan at the moment (They're doing space walks today. Pretty, but not something I'd be cut out for.)
I've just learned that the elevator in my building is out, so I won't be able to go outside in the three hundred degree heat to do laundry today.
Drat ;)
But that doesn't mean there aren't a bazillion other things I need to do.
And yet... all I want to do is write.
I've been working on a story for about a week or two and I keep wanting to return to it. Which is good as a diversion, but not good when there's other things to do.
Plus I'm nauseas and have a headache (- from "space.")
Got some good pictures though. :)
Please indulge me with the whole "space" thing for about a week. After that I'll probably be over it and stop posting about it. If not, I'll move those posts to a separate blog because this is not a space blog. ... but it might be "space week" here for a bit ;)
Brain Fog
I need a brain lighthouse.
Or a can of compressed brain air to whoosh the fog away.
Or maybe my brain needs to move to Arizona.... Or the Sahara...
Or maybe I just need to be a boy.
- Or a drunk.
I think they get brain fog too but they don't seem to notice as much or care :P
I need a name
I made a separate blog for my oneword entries, but I can't "un hide" it or finish it up until it has a name. (Ok, I could, but I don't wanna!)
I've spent 3 days obsessing about it and now I have a headache.
Your turn. - Don't all jump at once.
- FYI, to help: I'd like a shortish name (1-3 words) It's a blog of entries that are inspired by a word of the day ( * See the "One Word" tab above). I write the entries in about 60 seconds. I may someday include other writing exercises there - Short daily type ones. The template style/look is "parchment"-y.
Go! ;)
(Oh and there's no prize. I get the prize which may be my headache going away.
-And you probably get another notch on your Karma belt which could make the difference between whether or not you come back as an amoeba.)
I've spent 3 days obsessing about it and now I have a headache.
Your turn. - Don't all jump at once.
- FYI, to help: I'd like a shortish name (1-3 words) It's a blog of entries that are inspired by a word of the day ( * See the "One Word" tab above). I write the entries in about 60 seconds. I may someday include other writing exercises there - Short daily type ones. The template style/look is "parchment"-y.
Go! ;)
(Oh and there's no prize. I get the prize which may be my headache going away.
-And you probably get another notch on your Karma belt which could make the difference between whether or not you come back as an amoeba.)
Blah blah blah
Ok here's the thing... I don't like writing about boring stuff (ie stuff that bores even ME lol!) and sometimes I end up going a tiny bit in that direction for NaBloPoMo "just because," and I hope it's not TOO horrible. Nevertheless even I know when something is super uninteresting!
I also don't like writing whiney complainy posts. Not unless I still have my wits about me enough to also make it entertaining!
"I don't feel well" posts can also cause people to worry and I certainly don't want that. I mean when I WANT flowers candy and money I'll tell you ;) Not that a bit of kindness isn't nice at times but I feel like if I say I don't feel well, I have to give updates or people will think I've dropped dead! And the longer I go before I do an update, the MORE dead people think I am! ;) It's much easier to write about stuff after the fact.
Except there's this NaBloPoMo thing that I committed to, that NOBODY is holding me to, that has no prize, no special reward, and really no "nothing" at the end of it, but I SAID I'd do it, there's only a few more days to go, and gosh darn it I want to finish it JUST BECAUSE!
But I don't FEEL GOOD :P
So right now I'm going to order some take out food (because somehow I feel like that will make me feel better than all the nutritious "already paid for" food I have in my fridge!) and maybe I'll be back later if that works.
If not... HA! I got one more post in ;) (and if I don't post tomorrow or the next few days I'm very likely not dead! Just sleeping :) )
I also don't like writing whiney complainy posts. Not unless I still have my wits about me enough to also make it entertaining!
"I don't feel well" posts can also cause people to worry and I certainly don't want that. I mean when I WANT flowers candy and money I'll tell you ;) Not that a bit of kindness isn't nice at times but I feel like if I say I don't feel well, I have to give updates or people will think I've dropped dead! And the longer I go before I do an update, the MORE dead people think I am! ;) It's much easier to write about stuff after the fact.
Except there's this NaBloPoMo thing that I committed to, that NOBODY is holding me to, that has no prize, no special reward, and really no "nothing" at the end of it, but I SAID I'd do it, there's only a few more days to go, and gosh darn it I want to finish it JUST BECAUSE!
But I don't FEEL GOOD :P
So right now I'm going to order some take out food (because somehow I feel like that will make me feel better than all the nutritious "already paid for" food I have in my fridge!) and maybe I'll be back later if that works.
If not... HA! I got one more post in ;) (and if I don't post tomorrow or the next few days I'm very likely not dead! Just sleeping :) )
Checking in
There is no way I can possibly convey how many times and how many hours I've spent trying to write a post today. Really... HOURS.
I'm not feeling well and I've tried to push my brain to function anyway, but it's not working. It's not a writing dry spell. It's a "brain thing." Think "learning disability." That's what it's like right now.
Hopefully sleep will help.
Good night :)
I'm not feeling well and I've tried to push my brain to function anyway, but it's not working. It's not a writing dry spell. It's a "brain thing." Think "learning disability." That's what it's like right now.
Hopefully sleep will help.
Good night :)
White Popcorn - It's not just me!
Someone from Michigan (Hello Michigan!) came to my blog yesterday because my Is White Popcorn EXTINCT? post popped up in their google search. - What were their search terms? "Why can't I find white popcorn!"
No kidding. That's what they were looking for! Also in their search results was a letter to a newspaper in Maine asking the same thing!
It's not just me!!!
FYI, I ordered some white popcorn online. We'll see how that goes.
No kidding. That's what they were looking for! Also in their search results was a letter to a newspaper in Maine asking the same thing!
It's not just me!!!
FYI, I ordered some white popcorn online. We'll see how that goes.
Is White Popcorn EXTINCT?
Why can't I find white popcorn kernels anywhere? I've been looking for over six months and no stores anywhere seem to carry white popcorn kernels anymore. At first I thought each store was sold out, but the white popcorn never came back. Anywhere! Every time I go to a new store, I check, hoping they'll turn out to be my new "supplier" but no such luck. White popcorn kernels seem to have disappeared off the planet.
I don't understand what happened. For years I could go into pretty much any store and, in the section that sold popcorn kernels, I'd have my choice of white or yellow. Yellow is ok, but I prefer white. White is crispy. Yellow pops up more spongey and chewy and tastes kind of stale to me. I like crispy!
I can still find microwavable white popcorn, and pre-popped white popcorn, but I don't want those. And I can't imagine how they're are being made since ALL white popcorn KERNELS seem to have been obliterated from the Universe!
After yet another failed quest at a grocery store today, I guess it's time to start scouring the net. In the past everything I've found had prohibitive shipping fees.
Maybe I can tell people that's what I want for my next Birthday? How much you wanna bet that if I do, no one will get it right. (- I can see the stack of microwave bags now...)
I don't understand what happened. For years I could go into pretty much any store and, in the section that sold popcorn kernels, I'd have my choice of white or yellow. Yellow is ok, but I prefer white. White is crispy. Yellow pops up more spongey and chewy and tastes kind of stale to me. I like crispy!
I can still find microwavable white popcorn, and pre-popped white popcorn, but I don't want those. And I can't imagine how they're are being made since ALL white popcorn KERNELS seem to have been obliterated from the Universe!
After yet another failed quest at a grocery store today, I guess it's time to start scouring the net. In the past everything I've found had prohibitive shipping fees.
Maybe I can tell people that's what I want for my next Birthday? How much you wanna bet that if I do, no one will get it right. (- I can see the stack of microwave bags now...)
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