Stop acting like an inmate!

A woman kept yelling this at someone a few yards behind me. Eventually I glanced to see what was going on. I thought she might be annoyed with an adult who was having socialization problems now that they were no longer incarcerated, but no. The comment was directed at a child who was being too rowdy.

I suppose it's no worse than saying "Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off." I mean seriously, is that an image you want in your kids' heads, right next to their dreams of lollipops and rainbow colored unicorns?

Still... "Stop acting like an inmate!?" What the heck?

* From my Draft Folder

Functional Wardrobe

Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes. 

Some I save, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on.

Like this one:

(So I should wear red?)

Are you talking to me?

Does anyone else have days when you feel like crap, your hair needs to be washed, but you have to run a few errands, so you throw on some clothes, feel like a slob, try to rush through things as best as you can but you're moving at the speed of Earth when Superman was flying around it backwards - and then...

You find that very friendly complete strangers strike up conversations with you as if there's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU??? Not the crazy people and the local wino, but attractive intelligent people who apparently don't think YOU may be the crazy person or the local wino?

- It messes with my head.

Jesus and friend

I can't figure out if Jesus is friends with Lucy, or a drag queen.

You know you're in a heatwave when...

... people consider 90 degrees to be a break from the heat.

Any other time, 90 degrees would be the heatwave!

People will steal anything...

Driving with old people

Overheard

Guy to his friend (excitedly):  If I don't go 3 for 4, you can pee on my cleats!!

(Seriously, I don't make this stuff up!)

It begins with an S and ends with a W

I was leaving a grocery store and I noticed a woman with only one item in her hand.  I made a comment about "Wow, you came all the way here to just get  one thing?" and she said "Well, I came back. I was here before and someone used a very nasty word."

"Oh…" I said.

"Yes," she replied, and then added pointedly, "It begins with an S and ends with a W."

She continued talking, (she seemed like a very nice woman) but I couldn't make sense of anything she said after that because I was 100 percent completely stuck on "a bad word... that begins with an S... and ends with a W?"

Somewhere during our walk to the parking lot she said, "Well I'm a widow" - Which seemed like a random detail at the time, but I later realized that "widow" ends in "w" so maybe that's a clue? Of course she then seguayed into talking about fruit and I couldn't figure out if that was related to her being a widow (Was she recently widowed? Was the fruit for a memorial service?)

I'm still stuck. I have no clue.

It's not her fault. Clearly it's mine for not keeping up with current widow vernacular.

Hearing things incorrectly

I could have sworn I just heard someone outside say: "Clean your teeth on the snow."

I pondered this for a bit...

After a several minutes of pondering, it occurred to me that what they probably said was "Clean your feet on the snow."

Paranoia

I won't go into all the reasons I take issue with the new security measures at airports. It's all been said by others already. Suffice it to say, I do not want naked x-rays or an extended pat down (and remember, this is not a regular pat down that avoids your face, head, and private parts. The extended pat down fully gropes all of those areas looking for contraband - like Snow Globes.)

Which is why, while I was waiting in line to go through a regular airport checkpoint, I had a sudden wave of panic as the following thoughts went through my head...

Me (In my head)

Oh my God... I'm wearing an underwire bra.

Is that... Will that set off the metal detector? 

What if I set off the metal detector and get pulled aside for NAKED X-RAYS and an EXTENDED GROPE DOWN?!!   

Why didn't I wear a different bra?! I wore a non-underwire bra yesterday and made it through security without a hitch! (-and then they cancelled my flight!) How could I not think of doing the same today! HOW COULD THIS NOT OCCUR TO ME???!

Maybe it won't set off the metal detectors. Is that enough metal to even register? 

Keys set off metal detectors... That's more metal though.... 

BELT BUCKELS! I've seen BELT buckles, and buckles on shoes set them off!

Omg... my bra could totally set off the metal detectors.

(panicked pause) 

- Maybe I can take it off... 

I'm sure I could get it off without anybody else in line noticing. [For any guys reading, girls can do that! ;) ] - If I just play it real cool... if I'm calm.... I can take it off under my shirt and then.... 

And then what? What do I do with it once it's off? 

I might be able to remove it while standing in line without anybody noticing, but I doubt I could get it out from under my shirt and into my suitcase without anyone seeing. Crap! I totally wouldn't be able to get it from under my shirt to the suitcase without anybody seeing!!! 

I could put it in a pocket... No... that doesn't help. Then it'll still be on me when I go through the metal detector.

Imaginary TSA agent

"What's that?"

Imaginary Me 

"Oh that's just my bra  ...in my pocket."

For anyone who's read this far, I left it on and, panicked as I was, I made it through the metal detector without any problem. - But don't think I didn't make a specific POINT of wearing a non underwire bra for my trip home!

Morbid curiosity

Someone I know recently lost their only sibling and asked to speak at the funeral. They were told there's a time limit that all speakers must stick to. I told them to speak for as long as they want. Which begs the question... If someone speaks for longer than their "alloted time" at a funeral, does an organist start to play music louder and louder?

Thanksgiving - Italian Style

What is it with people choosing Italian places for large gatherings? And why are they always so freaking expensive? I mean seriously... what is Italian Food? Bread, pasta, tomato sauce, and variations on that theme. Last time I checked, none of those ingredients cost a whole heck of a lot. They've got to be among the cheapest ingredients you can find!

Nevertheless... it seems our reservations for tonight are for "Italian" and the cost is going to be close to $40 a head! Honestly, if they'd given me all that money, I'd have been happy to cook dinner for everybody -In their room of course. Mine doesn't have a kitchen. Mine doesn't even have a COFFEE MAKER. -Seriously. Remember? VALUE room...

29 Characters

Yesterday, I spent the entire day making travel plans. The place I'll be visiting was thoughtful enough to include a space where I could tell them of any additional needs I might have - in 29 characters or less. 



How much is 29 characters? 29 characters is enough to type:

"If it's possible I would like"
or
"It is very important that I h"
or
"More space 2 type would be ni"

No idea what time it is

I was trying to figure out how much time I had left to write a post, but I couldn't find a clock. Because I unplugged them all. Sort of.

A friend and I were talking about what kinds of items we kept unplugged when not in use, and she said that anything with a clock built into it, used electricity while plugged in. So I unplugged my stereo, my vcr, and my microwave, because I rarely use those so it seemed kind of silly to keep them plugged in if they were only being used as oversized clocks.

So now, I'm saving electricity.

I also have no idea what time it is.


... I need to buy some clocks.

Sure... NOW it's a big deal...

My friends wanted me to go to Costo. Friend A was the only one who had a Costco card and she couldn't go. (I'll have a card soon. I got a coupon ;) ) Friend B wanted me to use friend A's Costco card so the two of us could still go. Friend A was fine with this and also wanted me to use her card. I didn't want to. I'd get too anxious. Both kept saying it'd be fine, they never check... friend A and I look alike (-we look nothing alike!) I stood my ground. It's really not the principle of the thing. I have no problem with someone ELSE doing that. But it would make me extremely nervous if I were the one doing it. I didn't want to.

Today when I saw my friends, they told me someone else they knew had gone, used another person's card, and they were stopped and weren't allowed to make their purchases. As far as I know, that's all that happened. They just weren't allowed to make their purchases and had to leave. -But if you could see the looks of relief on MY friends' faces that it wasn't them who got caught! They've been thanking me all day saying "Thank God we didn't go!" and that I was right and "made a great call!" -I got high fived for this!

It's bizarre to me how casual they were about how it wouldn't be a big deal even if we did get caught, yet today, instead of being equally nonchalant and saying "hey guess what... oh well..." they're acting like we just dodged a bullet and I saved them from prison.

It begins with an "O"

(After Grocery Shopping)

HER

I don't even know what half this stuff is. If it said "Organic" I put it in my cart. This... this says "organic." And this says "organic" and this... well this doesn't say organic but it says, umm... "Original."

ME

Oh. Well good. Because, you know... that's the same thing.

(???)

Not Prejudice

HER

That awful woman on the phone just now? She was Greek. I could tell. You know how crazy those Greeks are. They're nuts. All of them. There's something wrong with those Greeks.

ME

You think everyone who isn't your nationality is crazy.

HER

That's not true! Don't say that! You know I don't think that way. I know there are crazy people in my nationality too! I would never be so stupid as to think everyone from my nationality was a saint. There are people from my country who I'd never want as neighbors. So don't say that about me. I am not that kind of person. I'm smarter than that. I'm not ignorant.

- But there's a horrible Greek woman where I work too and she's completely nuts, all those Greeks are...

(Someday I'll tell you about how she and her husband figured out that "the Jews" were responsible for 9/11...)

Subtle (NOT)

The problem with telling someone that you think their 16 year old son is really cute - a kid who, while adorable, is young enough to be YOUR son- is that that same person could gleefully turn around a few days later and say "Look! He's here! Your crush! Honey, this is the lady I was telling you about! She loves you! She thinks you're great!"

- I quickly jumped in and said "Don't say that!  You'll embarrass.... HIM." 

Yankees Fans

TP