Feelin' no pain

Conversation with a friend after surgery

Me

How are you feeling?

Her

Good! Good! Except I think the meds they gave me are making me hallucinate... I keep seeing all these weird images.... like Christmas ornaments with evil muppet mouths... opening and closing.... and they're all sparkly... Really vivid! And they keep popping up...

Me

Are your eyes open or closed when you see these images?

Her

Closed.

Me

Well that's a plus.

(Later)

Her

You know how people get those surgeries to have wiskers put in? Like a cat? Maybe you could have that done someday! You could have cat whiskers surgically put in!

Me

Cat whiskers...

Her

Yeah! And then you could get one of those tattoos to look like you have spots all over you.... like cats do! Like a leopard!

Me

You know... it's been a long time since I've spoken with someone who's high as a kite. I kind of miss these little talks.

Just a spoonful of sugar....

My friend's kids got a cake making kit. Guess who got to supervise?

Here's how they're supposed to look

And here's how they actually looked.

(We liked to call this "the cheeseburger stage")

The cakes were about the size of a cupcake bottom with no top, and there was more icing on these than cake, so when the kids asked if they could eat them, I said they could each have 1/4 of their cakes. - Which was essentially the same thing as scooping out 2 tablespoons of confectioner's sugar, adding food coloring, and saying "here!"

It didn't take long before their speech ramped up to about a hundred miles per hour and they were ricochetting off the walls. Their "crashes" later were just as evident. Funny to watch, in a way, but thank God I didn't say "Sure! Pop the whole thing in your mouth!" 

Not a hat

Phone conversation with a friend after her first "pre-chemo" shave

Me

How's your head feel?

Her

Ok. Bald.

Me

How's the wig?

Her

Hot. And tight. It feels like I'm wearing a really tight hat. I have to get used to it.

Me

Better than loose. I mean, you don't want it flopping around.

Her

Yeah, but it really feels like a hat, and I have to remember it's not. I'm worried I'm going to walk into a store and pull it off.

Walking your "Elder"

I've figured out how to exercise one of my relatives.

Say something that sounds like I'm talking about them on the phone -> They'll start tailing me as I continue talking and walking around the house from room to room. - I could keep it up for hours ;)

Oh sure... you say "Evil." - I say "cardiovascular workout" :)

Anger

* Edit: I have debated taking this down, but I'm going to leave it here for now. Things were very very difficult for me for several months. On the outside I was nice (I'm always nice), but I was stressed 24/7, my safety was threatened by the thoughtlessness of several different people (all unrelated!) and I was angry. I was angry all the time.

---

I go to bed angry. I wake up angry. I calm down a tiny bit. Then various people interfere with my temporary peace, and I get more angry, again. By the time I go to bed I may feel the slightest bit better, or the cumulative effect could make me feel worse. Either way, I go to bed angry.

I've been like this for a while and I don't see an end. I wondered if it might be "me" and not "them." I got my hormones checked. They came back normal. "Are you under any stress?" the Doctors asked. "Yes" I answered. "Everyone is causing me stress! That's why I'm angry at them!" - Duh! ;)

I'd hoped hormones could be blamed for some of it. They can't. It's "them" and I'm not doing well with any of "them" right now. And I'm about to leave to take care of another one of "their" lives for a few weeks to try to get things in place for them to be more ok on their own so I can return to less contact, or at least a more comfortable level of contact for me.

I don't want to go. I don't want to do anything. I want everybody to be able to take care of themselves. I hate everybody. "Oh you don't really hate them" would not be accurate. I do. It's not love that I feel. It's pity. Responsibility. "Moral rightness." "Shoulds." It makes me sad.

People don't change. But some get more manipulative. Some more vulnerable. Some more manipulative and more vulnerable. I don't know what to do with that. It's easier on my mind to help than to pretend I don't see. But it's not easy. I would be all right if these people never contacted me again - if they were ok. I don't want them lying in a street somewhere or being abused in some facility. I don't (usually) wish them ill. I wish them independence and in another world. No contact. No photos. No accidental meetings or 2nd or 3rd hand information from others. Living in a nice little house on a hill, with a white picket fence, in a bubble that doesn't go near my world. I want that.

I don't experience joy from anyone in my life right now. I experience some gratitude. Some immense gratitude and thankfulness from random acts of kindness I sometimes get from others. Always noticed. But no joy. Only anger, and more anger. I am angry, all the time.

I'm sleeping with earplugs for the rest of my life

Today I learned (through a random conversation with a woman who's an audiologist) that cockroaches can't crawl backwards.

I've seen plenty of cockroaches in my life, and somehow I've never noticed this.

Why is this important? Because, apparently, if a cockroach crawls into an ear canal, it can't get out. They can go in to your ear, but since there's no room in your ear to turn around, and since they can't crawl backwards, the only way to get cockroaches out of your ear is for a doctor to remove them with tweezers.

- Hence the title of my post.

Merry Christmas

From http://9gag.com/gag/1234965

Exer-Psychic

Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes. 

Some I like, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on.

Like this one:

(Unless you over do it and end up permanently crippled. Then you'll wish you'd stopped, smelled the flowers, and had a cookie.)

5 Year old on Malpractice

Her

I keep thinking about L.

Me

Who's L?

Her

My neighbor. He died.

Me

Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?

Her

A doctor killed him.

Me

I hate it when that happens! I'm sorry that happened to your friend. Do you know what happened? How did the doctor kill him?

Her

He took out his sword and stabbed him in the back. All of the doctors in the hospital took out their swords and stabbed him in the back!

* Ironically, that's probably not far from the truth!

Never?

Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes.
Some I save, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on

Like this one:

(Unless you're a crazy stalker, or they're a crazy stalker. Then do!)

* I appreciate the romantic intent of the original quote, but not being able to get someone out of your head doesn't always mean you're meant to be together. Sometimes it means you're psycho! (Or they're psycho!)

Silly question...

Sometimes I visit a site where people post a lot of quotes. 

Some I like, some I ignore, and some I feel compelled to comment on.

Like this one:

(What fits my busy schedule better?? - Being fat 24 hours a day! - Duh!)

No Added Zombies

I usually have so much trouble finding out about those additives. 

Thank you "Little Duck Organics" for your proactiveness on this matter.

I have so much to do

But all I want to do is write.

And watch space.

Except space is making me motion sick so that's not the best plan at the moment (They're doing space walks today. Pretty, but not something I'd be cut out for.)

I've just learned that the elevator in my building is out, so I won't be able to go outside in the three hundred degree heat to do laundry today.

Drat ;)

But that doesn't mean there aren't a bazillion other things I need to do.

And yet... all I want to do is write.

I've been working on a story for about a week or two and I keep wanting to return to it. Which is good as a diversion, but not good when there's other things to do.

Plus I'm nauseas and have a headache (- from "space.")

Got some good pictures though. :)

Please indulge me with the whole "space" thing for about a week. After that I'll probably be over it and stop posting about it. If not, I'll move those posts to a separate blog because this is not a space blog. ... but it might be "space week" here for a bit ;)

Driving with old people

The things I learn...

I did some online research today for a story I'm writing. I was curious about Aeroponics vs Hydroponics and which is most effective etc. So I did a little Googling. And I've learned something. And maybe some of you already knew this - Maybe everybody in the world knows this! - but I didn't.

Do you know who discusses the various pros, cons, yields, quality, set up, cost effectiveness, and even the flavor of the crops from these two different methods, in intricate detail? Because I didn't, and this is fascinating to me.

Cannabis growers. That's right. And you know what? It makes sense! But I didn't know that they were at the forefront of using/discussing/researching and improving this technology. The only working Aero/Hydroponic systems I've ever seen were at Epcot Center! But these guys? The Pot growers? They know EVERYTHING. They have forums, videos, comparative photos... They build their own setups and know about all the various nutrient additives, contamination controls, drainage systems, spray pressures, misting intervals...

If you ever need information on Aeroponics vs Hydroponics (not to mention soil, with or without worm poop!) and you want to get the inside scoop, don't bother with government agencies and agricultural research facilities. Just go find a local dealer and they'll set you up with everything you need.

Brain Fog

I need a brain lighthouse.

Or a can of compressed brain air to whoosh the fog away.

Or maybe my brain needs to move to Arizona.... Or the Sahara...

Or maybe I just need to be a boy.

- Or a drunk.

I think they get brain fog too but they don't seem to notice as much or care :P

Blah blah blah

Ok here's the thing... I don't like writing about boring stuff (ie stuff that bores even ME lol!) and sometimes I end up going a tiny bit in that direction for NaBloPoMo "just because," and I hope it's not TOO horrible. Nevertheless even I know when something is super uninteresting!

I also don't like writing whiney complainy posts. Not unless I still have my wits about me enough to also make it entertaining!

"I don't feel well" posts can also cause people to worry and I certainly don't want that. I mean when I WANT flowers candy and money I'll tell you ;) Not that a bit of kindness isn't nice at times but I feel like if I say I don't feel well, I have to give updates or people will think I've dropped dead! And the longer I go before I do an update, the MORE dead people think I am! ;) It's much easier to write about stuff after the fact.

Except there's this NaBloPoMo thing that I committed to, that NOBODY is holding me to, that has no prize, no special reward, and really no "nothing" at the end of it, but I SAID I'd do it, there's only a few more days to go, and gosh darn it I want to finish it JUST BECAUSE!

But I don't FEEL GOOD :P

So right now I'm going to order some take out food (because somehow I feel like that will make me feel better than all the nutritious "already paid for" food I have in my fridge!) and maybe I'll be back later if that works.

If not... HA! I got one more post in ;) (and if I don't post tomorrow or the next few days I'm very likely not dead! Just sleeping :) )

Checking in

There is no way I can possibly convey how many times and how many hours I've spent trying to write a post today. Really... HOURS.

I'm not feeling well and I've tried to push my brain to function anyway, but it's not working. It's not a writing dry spell. It's a "brain thing." Think "learning disability." That's what it's like right now.

Hopefully sleep will help.

Good night :)

It's 5am

I've been up since 2am.

I hate it when that happens.

Jumpers

NaBloPoMo writing prompt: If you were walking over a bridge and came upon someone who looked like they were about to jump, what would you do?

I'm not sure what someone could be doing that would lead me to think they were going to jump. It's very likely I would (consciously or unconsciously) convince myself that was not what they were doing.

If, however, I did believe that that's what they wanted to do, and that they were distressed about it, I would talk to them. I wouldn't call anyone unless the person seemed psychotic, and I mean that in the literal sense (If they were hallucinating etc.) For pretty much anyone else, in pretty much any other condition, I would talk, sit, and listen.