Stop acting like an inmate!

A woman kept yelling this at someone a few yards behind me. Eventually I glanced to see what was going on. I thought she might be annoyed with an adult who was having socialization problems now that they were no longer incarcerated, but no. The comment was directed at a child who was being too rowdy.

I suppose it's no worse than saying "Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off." I mean seriously, is that an image you want in your kids' heads, right next to their dreams of lollipops and rainbow colored unicorns?

Still... "Stop acting like an inmate!?" What the heck?

* From my Draft Folder

Yes, EXACTLY like that!

Me

They recognized me. That was weird. I didn't expect that.

Friend

Why?

Me

I don't know. I only met them once, and… I don't know… I don't think of myself as being that memorable looking, that someone would remember what I looked like later. PLUS my hair was down and I was wearing totally different clothes. Last time I was wearing a headband and my hair was back in a ponytail.

Friend

And you think that makes you look totally different.

Me

Yes.

Friend

So you think you're like Superman.

Me

(Pause)

YES!!!!

Feelin' no pain

Conversation with a friend after surgery

Me

How are you feeling?

Her

Good! Good! Except I think the meds they gave me are making me hallucinate... I keep seeing all these weird images.... like Christmas ornaments with evil muppet mouths... opening and closing.... and they're all sparkly... Really vivid! And they keep popping up...

Me

Are your eyes open or closed when you see these images?

Her

Closed.

Me

Well that's a plus.

(Later)

Her

You know how people get those surgeries to have wiskers put in? Like a cat? Maybe you could have that done someday! You could have cat whiskers surgically put in!

Me

Cat whiskers...

Her

Yeah! And then you could get one of those tattoos to look like you have spots all over you.... like cats do! Like a leopard!

Me

You know... it's been a long time since I've spoken with someone who's high as a kite. I kind of miss these little talks.

Not a hat

Phone conversation with a friend after her first "pre-chemo" shave

Me

How's your head feel?

Her

Ok. Bald.

Me

How's the wig?

Her

Hot. And tight. It feels like I'm wearing a really tight hat. I have to get used to it.

Me

Better than loose. I mean, you don't want it flopping around.

Her

Yeah, but it really feels like a hat, and I have to remember it's not. I'm worried I'm going to walk into a store and pull it off.

Body Snatchers

I sat next to a woman today. A very intelligent, lucid, entertaining woman, who was talking about her ailments. Except she kept saying "Aliens." - I wish I'd had a tape recorder going!

Her

I got so many aliens... And you know, the doctors? They don't tell you about all the different aliens you got. They don't go into details about your aliens! But I got a LOT of aliens in my body.

Home Alone

A Relative

So what are you going to do while I'm gone?

Me

I figured I'd invite all your neighbors over for a party, since I'll have the place to myself. But don't worry. I'll be sure to let them know where all the important papers and jewelry are kept so they know not to touch them. 

It's all semetics

A friend was just telling me about a school meeting she remembers, where a teacher was reprimanded for teaching sex education in their classroom. At the meeting, an angry parent stood up and said they didn't want their daughter in the same room as a bunch of boys while everyone was talking about their "Gentiles." Which led my friend to lean in to the person next to her and ask "What about the family Jews?"

Hibiscus

Large, vibrantly colored flowers have popped up all over since I was last here. - And I was only "last here" a month ago! I asked a friend what they were. (Because she knows everything, and seems happy to answer my never ending questions about "What's this? And this? And that thing? And that bird!" - For which I am grateful. Everyone else shrugs and says "I dunno.")

"They're Hibiscus" she told me. "All of them."  I'd thought they looked similar, except for the colors, but there were some I hadn't realized were in the same category. "The dogs eat them all the time." She said. "They're edible."

"Your dogs eat a lot of things." I reminded her. "That doesn't automatically make something 'edible.'"

"Ok." she countered. "The dogs eat them and don't die."

She also told me that, among other things, Hibiscus are used in Red Zinger tea. They're what give the tea its "red." (I know... the rest of the world probably knew that already. Now I know too :) )

At the end of our walk, I thanked her for the two flowers she'd handed me, then held out the orange one and said "This is a Double Hibiscus." - I knew this, now, because she'd told me 15 minutes earlier. You can tell it's a Double Hibiscus because of the second layer of  petals within the first.

"Yes." she said, "And what's the other one?"

I looked at the other flower in my hand, then triumphantly thrust it forward and said "Pink!"

"Yes..." she said, "that's the color, but what kind is it?"

I looked at it again, and after a moment of pondering, I held it out again - with more authority this time - and gleefully proclaimed "- PINK!" :)

It's a "Flamingo Pink" Hibiscus

Gingerbread "Adventures"

A friend and I visited the Bontanical Gardens on one of the coldest days of the year, but that didn't stop us from trying to take in as much as we could while we were there. The "Gingerbread Adventures" in the children's garden seemed worth a look.

They look friendly, don't they?

The garden may be lush and bursting with color in the spring and summer, but in the winter, with no snow, it's a bit bleak. Lots of rocks and roped paths, with a few Christmas ornaments and some cut out gingerbread figures dotting the landscape. I stared at these two for a moment until my friend turned around and asked what I was looking at.

I stared a bit longer, then said, "Is that one pointing a canon at us?"

It's a light. Or so they'd like us to think! ;) - Gives a whole new meaning to the words "Gingerbread Adventures!"

Spelling

Her

How do you spell "Spinach?" Is it S… P…. E?

Me

S P… I ... N A … C H.

Her

No way.

Me

Yes!

Her

S P E N...

Me

No.

Her

Look it up.

Me

Fine! Come over here and see.

(Me, pointing at the computer screen)

There, see? S P I N A C H. Let me see what you wrote...

(Pause)

That's "S PENIS" - If you're serving that tonight, I'm eating out.

My new job as pool boy (girl)

Not really. Not exactly anyway. I'm not even a pool type of person, but I can be persuaded when the temperature is above 80 and there's a large body of cold water just a few feet away from the living room. Except when there's a thin film of dead bugs on the top. My friend's solution? "Just take a shower when you get out!" - Um... no.

So I've taken up the role of pool boy (I've never heard of pool girls. They must exist but I'm stuck on the pool boy image so I'll go with that.) My first day of skimming bugs I was certain there must be a technique for maximizing bug collection vs just pushing them around the pool more. Now, on what I think is day 3 or 4 of my endeavor, I think I actually am improving in my technique.

How is there no robot to do this yet? A little floaty thingy that collects surface stuff? How complicated can that be? I looked them up online and all I found were scrubbers for the bottom, filters that are on the side that supposedly draw all the pool water into them eventually, and nets for manual use. But no floating auto collecting thingamabob. (Ok, there was one solar powered one but it was over a thousand dollars.)

The pool is finally looking better but I can still see things floating on the surface. It's possible I'm just looking too closely now. Maybe that's the way all pools are and I never looked at them long enough to notice. A visiting relative of course sees nothing. They keep walking over to the shaded side of the pool, and declaring that the water is crystal clear. I tell them it's not and that they just can't see the bugs as easily on the darker side of the pool. "Oh!" they reply "So they're attracted to the sunny side of the pool?" - Yes, that's it. The dead bugs are attracted to the light. They're trying to get to their afterlife....

5 Year old on Malpractice

Her

I keep thinking about L.

Me

Who's L?

Her

My neighbor. He died.

Me

Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die?

Her

A doctor killed him.

Me

I hate it when that happens! I'm sorry that happened to your friend. Do you know what happened? How did the doctor kill him?

Her

He took out his sword and stabbed him in the back. All of the doctors in the hospital took out their swords and stabbed him in the back!

* Ironically, that's probably not far from the truth!

5 year old's costume ideas

Me

What do you want to be for Halloween?

Her

Maybe a witch!

Me

A witch! That'd be fun!

Her

Or a dog!

Me

A dog!

Her

Or a marker!

Me

A...

A marker? 

Her

Yeah because I like to draw. 

It's not just MY hearing

Friend

What did you get at the craft store?

Me

3 fake leaf garlands.

Friend

Wait... what did you get?

Me

3 fake leaf garlands. - Like a long string of leaves... fall leaves.... fake... to hang somewhere.

Friend

Oh. I thought you said 3 fake beef garlands!

Me

Yeah, they were out of those.

6 Year Old "Dream"

Me

What did you dream last night?

6 year old

Umm…..

(This was the kind of "ummmm" that let me know she was about to invent a story. Which is just as good in my book!)

6 year old

I dreamt that you and me were in a park. And there were 100 kids. And 15 ponies. And the ponies could fly! And I got on a blue flying pony, and you got on a pink one, and they had pink wings. And we flew up up in the sky. And we flew to a park where you live. And we got off the ponies and we were jumping and climbing and playing on the rocks. And then we saw Mommy and Daddy, and Mommy got on your pony and Daddy got on my pony and they flew away.

Me

They left us? Then what did we do?

6 year old

No. We were on the ponies too.

Me

Oh ok.

6 year old

And then we flew to [another State] and got [siblings] and they got on our ponies too. And then we got [pets] and they were on the ponies too.

And then we flew to Africa.

And there was a food court there.

And we ate pillows.

Me

We ate pillows?

6 year old

Yeah, like the blue one on my bed.

Me

What did the pillows taste like?

6 year old

Raspberry, and cherry, and grape. And they were all different colors. And we each ate two pillows. Except the pets. They shared one pillow.

And then I woke up.

Equipment in space

You know how sometimes you drop something and end up searching for it all over the floor, the desk, and every little crack and space it might have fallen or rolled into? Don't you hate that?

Well now imagine that when that happened, the item in question WALKED AWAY. Just up and walked. Grew legs and, instead of staying where it fell, waiting for you to find it, or rolling within a certain range before coming to a complete stop (and then waiting for you to find it) it sprouted legs, and moved. Walked rooms and even buildings away. Every single time. Every single thing. Just "because."

Welcome to life on the space station.

Nothing falls and stays. Every single thing that's dropped, grows legs and walks away! Ok, actually it floats away. But if you think about it, that's the same thing. Nothing just falls and stays within a logical "searchable" range. Anything that is accidentally dropped can and will "wander" rooms and sometimes buildings away, all on its own and can go anywhere.

Ponder that for a moment...

While you're pondering, I'll tell you about another equipment problem that I never knew about until today. It involves headsets. See Mike below? That's Mike Fossum. I'm going to miss him someday when his time on the Space Station is up. I may have to ask him to put a camera in his home.

Notice the headset on Mike's head? Earpiece and microphone? I have a similar one on my phone. In all the years weeks that I've watched the Space Station, I'd never seen someone wear a headset. Normally they talk into little wired microphones that look like a cross between an electric toothbrush, and some kind of meat thermometer or alien probe. (see below.)

Today was the first time I saw someone wearing what looked like a normal phone type headset. And now I know why. - I paraphrased two bits of dialogue I didn't write down fast enough, but this was a real conversation.

Mike

You may have noticed I'm wearing this headset today. We don't usually use these. I'm not sure if you can see this ear piece clearly if I hold it up to the camera...

Houston

Has Ronny been chewing on that?  

(* Ron is another astronaut.)

Mike

Either that or the cat. 

(pause)

That's a joke. We have no cat.

Houston

Good to know.

Mike

We have 3 of these. I'm going to see if I can find a headpiece that hasn't exploded yet.

There you go. As if working in space wasn't dangerous enough, apparently when you least expect it, earpieces on headsets can explode.

- I'll stick with the alien probe.

Two for One

IM to a friend who asked if I had ribs for dinner

Universal Constants

A friend's example of things that never change (I laughed so hard at this! :D )

My Friend

"Over the years I watched lots of little children play with the dollhouse we had in the store. And they'd all play the exact same ways and do the exact same things. They'd always act out the same little stories and make the same little sounds... They'd always put the baby on the toilet... and stick somebody in the oven..."

Overheard in space

Astronauts, while repairing the outside of the Space Station, 220 miles above Earth.

"Maybe I'll knock on a window and see if anyone's home..."

"Hey Ron… Don't look down!" 

"There's something about being at the end of the module that makes it look higher."

Well Trained

Conversation with a 5 year old

Her

Do you want to know how old my mommy is?

[Note: "Mommy" is in her 40s.]

Me

Sure.

Her

Twenty one.

Me

Really.

Her

Yes. I remember because last year on her birthday she said she was 20. So now she's 21.

Me

Ok.

Her

Do you want to know how old my daddy is?

[Note: "Daddy" is in his 40s.]

Me

Sure. How old is your daddy?

Her

Seventy Eight.